03. The Deep Hole Inside the Heart
Synopsis of previous chapter:
*kichi kichi kichi kichi* The girl who endured. *kichi kichi kichi kichi kichi... kichi... kichi* Chapter 3. The forest is overflowing with danger. All the more so for places that we’ve never been to. There are a lot of things to be careful about, even when just moving through. It must not be forgotten that this place is not an area for humans. ...That is something that I should’ve understood, but it’s human nature to want no mistakes. "Uoo!?" The foot I stepped forward with slipped. Probably because of the fatigue, my view was blurred, and the sole of my foot lost its grip due to the thickly grown gra.s.s. At that moment, I lost my balance. The hand that I hurriedly stretched out towards a tree branch missed by just a little, and I ungracefully fell down flat―or perhaps I should say that I began to fall down flat? “It is dangerous. Prithee be cautious Milord.” "...My bad." Gerbera immediately turned and caught me in her arms as I almost toppled over. While remaining vigilant of the surroundings, she also seems to have been looking out for me. What a quick response. As a result, the back of my head is half-buried within her bountiful b.r.e.a.s.t.s, but Gerbera doesn’t seem to mind it. Her nice upside down face looked at me with worry. “Art thou unharmed?” "I have caused you trouble.” “Such events art not particularly bothersome at all.” Saying so, Gerbera checked that my feet were firmly on the ground. “...” After pus.h.i.+ng my head further into her chest and clutching it tightly to hug it, she took her hands away and released me. “...” “W-what?” I had turned around, and when I looked at her with reproachful eyes, Gerbera spoke with a high-pitched voice. Her spider feet were making clinking *kichi kichi* noises. Evidently, this seems to be her habit. “I-I pondered not any such acts like taking advantage of thee at all, for thy knowing.” “There’s such a saying as ‘letting the cat out of the bag’, do you know its meaning?” “S-somewhat.” “...Well, whatever.” It wouldn’t help anything even if I blamed her, so I wrapped up the topic and resumed the search. With a relieved look, Gerbera starts progressing into the forest as well. This time around, I’ll be careful while walking in the forest. I walked while muttering that. “This is… troubling.” It’s embarra.s.sing to think about something like this, but Gerbera seems to harbor a clear affection towards me. I’m not so thick-headed that I don’t notice her feelings towards me after it has been openly shown to that extent. And yet if it was my usual self, I might have doubted myself, questioned whether I was simply being conceited in thinking her affections were intended for me, but…. I’m not particularly the type that’s popular among the opposite s.e.x. My face isn’t one that would be called ugly, but it’s not the type that would be called good-looking either. I daresay that it’s a face that gives off a diligent-esque impression―one with purely mediocre features. I am aware that it’s one of a man that’s boring to be and talk with. A man like me couldn’t possibly attract an attractive person of the opposite s.e.x so easily. If the other party hadn’t been Gerbera, there was a high possibility that I would have thought so. But Gerbera’s honest behaviour didn’t allow me to ‘escape’ like that. I was honestly happy to be the target of such clear affection. I have no idea how a normal guy would feel about a girl with the bottom-half of a spider liking him… Would he feel happy? Would he not even feel disgusted? From the viewpoint of those humans, I’m probably a mere deviant. So what if that’s the case? After all that’s happened, I have no intention of being bothered by things like others’ opinions. I like her as a companion would. Even if that were to progress into a relations.h.i.+p between a man and a woman, there was not that much of a psychological opposition towards it. However, I have already accepted Lily’s affection with my body. As a man born and raised in j.a.pan with normal sensibilities, I happen to have the feeling that a man should only love one woman in his life. As a man, I can't respond to Gerbera’s affections. According to my values, that would be a dishonest course of action, a betrayal that should not occur. That’s what I think. ...At the very least, I would’ve stopped thinking further if it was a human girl. However, at the same time, I can’t help but be aware of the fact that this isn’t modern j.a.pan, and that I’m in an alternate world. I am the Master of these girls, this Family of Monsters. I know that these girls think of me as a special existence, just as they are special to me. That's what I was able to learn—almost too well—on the night we overcame life and death. The relations.h.i.+p between the girls and I is the kind that does not exist in the previous world. Of course, I should not bring over values from those days, it’s clear that it was impossible to do so. I must thoroughly reconsider this from scratch. Regarding my relations.h.i.+p with the girls… …and about Gerbera and Rose’s relations.h.i.+p, there are so many things to consider that I feel like I’m going to get a headache.. However, this is something related to the girls, who are important to me. I must think it over seriously—no, I want to think it over seriously. Should I be happy about being able to afford the luxury of worrying over things like this? “Wherefore art thee troubled?” Gerbera turned around; she seems to have heard my monologue. There’s no way that I can possibly answer her honestly and tell her that I’m worrying about my relations.h.i.+p with her from now on. I smiled vaguely. “I was thinking that the search for monsters that can become a part of my Family doesn’t seem to be going well.” It was a line I said to dodge the question, but that in itself was actually a troubling situation. It has already been three days since the two of us started searching. During these three days, we couldn’t find any new monsters for the Family, despite bravely searching. It’s not as if we didn’t gain anything at all. There was something called ‘Rifle Vine’ back at the Colony placed on Gerbera’s lower-half, the spider part of her plump abdomen, that we’re bringing back. This is a monster that takes on the appearance of vine-type vegetation entwined around trees, and fires out seeds from a lily-like flower as if they were buckshot. This will further increase Lily’s strength if given to her. Also, it may be insignificant at this stage, but every time Gerbera defeats a monster, she acc.u.mulates magical power. That’s definitely not something meaningless. The exploration itself is smooth. However, it doesn’t have the ‘result’ that I’m wis.h.i.+ng for. In the first place, why did I think to set out on a search as soon as I could? That’s partly because I couldn’t stand spending time not doing anything, but more importantly, it’s largely because our situation has changed. Although the fight with the White Arachne was fierce, we overcame the crisis by combining our strengths, and as a result, we were able to gain a strong ally. It’s fair to say that the situation that we were placed in had, with that night as the turning point, changed greatly. There’s even no need to compare it with what’s happened so far; the future is bright. The White Arachne, now named Gerbera, is one of the strongest monsters in this forest. The fact that there aren’t many monsters that can go head to head with her, is conversely demonstrated by Lily and Rose’s desperate fight. Even by just being unafraid of the threat of normal monsters, our freedom of movement dramatically increases. In addition to that, because ‘Rare Monsters’ and above are the targets for my cheat ability, they aren’t a threat. I daresay that in regards to ‘High Monsters’ like Gerbera, there may be dangers that accompany coming into contact with them as there were when we encountered Gerbera… but we aspired to come into contact with them, and it doesn’t seem like they’re something that can be stumbled upon. In the interest of safety, up until now we had no choice but to act with prudence, but that’s no longer the case. For the sake of gathering more members for the Family, we can now take even more audacious actions. For example, the present situation of searching the forest with just Gerbera accompanying me, is one of those more audacious actions. However, not having any results to go with that, is unfortunate. “This is a little… We should change our method after all.” Not having any luck with our search is simply because my way of doing it is bad. Even with our current method of searching, from a time efficiency viewpoint, it’s by no means wrong. What’s wrong is that there is no change from before. In order to raise its efficacy, we needed to choose a more efficient method. First is the need to change the search area. The cause of the search not turning out well is, above all, related to the encounters with monsters: largely because we couldn’t manage to get enough monster encounters to be efficient. Eight within three days. Within this short period of time, it’s by no means a bad number, but like this, it can’t be helped that there were no monsters that seemed like they could become part of my Family of Monsters. In order to get a large number, we needed to travel a slightly longer distance. “Milord?” “...” I had fallen silent and was staring at Gerbera, who was gazing questioningly at me. Also, for the sake of getting Rose to trust her, we must get some results. “There’s something I want to tell you, Gerbera...” I renewed my determination, and facing the two red pupils fixed on me, I began to talk. ＊＊＊ After I found an opening in the forest and sat down there, Gerbera made a meek face and asked for my thoughts. “So to say, Milord would desire me to taketh thee yonder?” “Well, I don’t mind if you understand it in such a manner. But if there’s a place where there are loads of monsters, that’s fine as well.” Gerbera’s eyebrows furrowed. “Umu. I see. If it is so, then I do know of such a place.” “Really? It would be great if we can make it there within a day’s trip if possible.” If we can’t make it within a day’s trip, there was a possibility that Rose would be against it. “Umu. It is one of many springs. .h.i.ther forth, but many creatures drink from them, so it shant be difficult to encounter monsters.” “Oh. That’s good.” I wanted such information like that. “Alright. Shall we try going there today?” “Understood. Allow me.” Perhaps happy to be of help, Gerbera’s voice was lively. “Well then, let’s work out the details. Sorry, but please take part in the discussion.” However, the moment I proposed a discussion, Gerbera faltered. “Is it troublesome?” “N-nay. Not at all.” Gerbera waved her hands about in front of her chest in a panic. “My thoughts led me to believe that others were more apt.” I scratched my head. “Gerbera is the only one here, right?” “U-umu you speak truth but… would Milord be willing if we were to return for a short while today?” “What?” “I can’t tell Rose. You should know that.” “Hum. That is true.” Gerbera showed a slightly crestfallen look. Even she knows that if we discussed it with Rose, there was a high possibility of it being rejected. “Yet, is it not still improper for me? I am but a damsel that has relied on brute strength to solve all issues. .h.i.therto. Nor am I the sharpest.” “But I don’t think so.” However, it appears that she herself does not think so. “Is there not another to discuss with possibly? Such as… Ah, there is Kato; how about that terrifying young lady?” Gerbera’s evaluation of Kato-san has become quite terrible. “That young lady is of merit. Rather than one such as I, she would be of more worth in such a discussion.” She just has something that makes a person have expectations of her. By all rights, Gerbera’s suggestion wasn’t that bad. However, I couldn’t help but shake my head from side to side. “What I’ll discuss with Kato-san is, how do I put it… something different.” "How doth it differ?" “Well…” When faced with this question, I was stumped. That's because, if she has been a.s.sociating with Lily and Rose so far, she would have understood what I wanted her to. “Kato-san isn’t a part of the Family. She’s human.” “Is being human so terrible?” Gerbera’s expression turned more and more bewildered. As if my words wouldn’t get through in any way. “If she is human, doth that mean that she is not our companion? However, the night that I committed my transgressions, she aided Milord, together with Lady Lily and Lady Rose.” “That’s…” I tried to refute Gerbera’s point, but I couldn’t find the words. Because what Gerbera said was right. Kato-san is a human, but she had fought for my sake. I don’t mean that she had held a weapon in her hands, but she, in her own way, put her life on the line for me. She had bet her life to save mine. That’s why… No. Wait. The conversation has turned in a weird direction. I have a bad feeling about this. I don’t know what’s bad about it, but to me, this conversation is… How do I say it… inconvenient. It had that sort of feeling to it. Without noticing my consternation, Gerbera continued to enquire. “Surely, she is one of Milord’s companions - that was my thought. However, if that is not the case, then what is Lady Kato’s relations.h.i.+p with Milord? ” Hearing Gerbera’s question, I suddenly recalled Kato-san’s reserved smile.. ――“It’s good that you’re alright, senpai.” ――"Yes. Towards senpai, who was the Master, being believed in, trusted in, relied on and loved by... Those are things that bring happiness, aren't they?" ――”That’s it! That’s decided then.” “...” Actually, when did I start being concerned about Kato-san? I got the feeling that my impression of that person—no, Kato-san—had changed that night. By speaking to her, most of the uneasiness I felt about her no longer exists――but if I told her that, would it be conveyed instead? I had also considered whether it was because she had mentally recovered, but something about that also doesn’t sound right. She has indeed spoken a lot more than in the past, and as a result, the number of times that her smiles were shown has increased. This is cannot be anything but change. However, it isn’t something that can be called dramatic. It’s not as if Kato-san’s basic expressions are lively even now; if anything, her expressionless and gloomy impression hasn’t changed. She continues to have glazed eyes, and her occasional smiles are merely her lips being slightly upturned; it somehow feels like there’s a shadow over her. She didn’t really change much from before. But my eyes can see that something is different from before. …No, Wait. Isn’t this that? Having thought that far, I suddenly noticed my misunderstanding. Kato-san herself ‘has not changed at all’. Despite this, she ‘seems different’. So that means it’s more natural to think that ‘my perspective has changed’ instead, doesn’t it? That night, when I was captured by the White Arachne, Kato-san exposed herself to danger to save me. I was helped by her. That was why my perspective of her had changed slightly. Isn’t it that sort of thing? Thinking back on it, I’ve always been suspicious of Kato-san ever since I met her. I had always looked at her from this perspective: ‘She’ll surely betray us.’ If you were to look through distorted lens, then naturally, any scenery you see through it will seem distorted. Now, after all that has happened, I can finally look at her without any bias. It’s probably something like that. Now that I’ve noticed it, I wonder what should I do now? Just now, Gerbera asked what Kato-san was to me. To me, she’s my ward. Nothing more, nothing less. Thinking that, I have never built a relations.h.i.+p with her until now. But now, however… Could it be that I am—for the first time—at the starting point for me to build a relations.h.i.+p with her? If that’s the case… She even put her life on the line in order to save me; shouldn’t I at least return her trust? “...” I was nearly killed by my acquaintances, my cla.s.smates, at the Colony in the past. Humans are disgusting. You never know when they will betray you. That has been, and still is, a core part of my unwavering values. But as far as Kato-san is concerned, the possibility of her betraying us is probably low. Such a thing shouldn’t be possible for that sort of human who went as far as betting their own life to save me. Thinking about it logically, it doesn’t seem like I’ve thought much about it at all. Even theoretically speaking, it’s strange for me to be doubting her. Above all, my senses are telling me that it’s okay to trust her. But it might be too late. This time for sure, I will trust her… Yes. Trust… “Urg…” Nausea abruptly surged up, and I promptly moved away from there. “Ah, Milord!?” I could hear Gerbera’s fretting voice behind me, but I didn’t have the time to worry about it. The moment I leaned on a nearby tree, I threw up everything I had in my stomach on its roots. In my head――I was looked down upon by eyes, eyes, the eyes! The pain revives. Suffering. Sadness. A downtrodden heart. Why me? Why the lot of you? The underside of shoes on my forehead, sent flying with a kick, abnormal sounds from my ribs. It hurts. It hurts. I’m afraid. Then eyes meet. Eyes that have lost their light. Eyes of a corpse. Become just like me, the acquaintance whom was already killed. Also, the acquaintance who I killed. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to believe this! If I turned my gaze upwards, I feel like there would be a frozen grin. Grin. Grin. Grin. “A-, ga… urgh.” “A-art thee ill, Milord?!” Gerbera, who had followed after me closely, placed her hand on my shoulder. I immediately jerked away as though a hot object had scalded me. At that moment, feelings of worry for me flowed into me through the path. Gerbera’s heart, who is anxious about me. Confusion on not knowing what should be done. Also, lamentation. ‘She, a monster of the Family’s emotions regarding ‘Me the Master’, all of it. “...Ah?” And so, I was finally able to remember that this place was not the collapsing Colony. I became conscious of the present and my ident.i.ty; that became the link that I had to rely on—one that led me from my mindscape back into reality. My vision blurred. When I came to, my cheeks had tears spilled all over it. “Gerbe… ra?” “Milord! Art thee awake?!” Although I would feel better if my back was rubbed, as a monster, Gerbera doesn’t seem to know what to do. I could hear a voice that’s on the verge of crying. “Ah, Milord. Hath I spoken some ill?” “It’s nothing like… U-ugh.” As I tried to speak to a fl.u.s.tered Gerbera, I vomited again. “A-ah… Milord!” “I… I’m alright, so calm down a little.” It’s the presence of a fl.u.s.tered Gerbera; it seems to have reminded me that I’m her Master; it functioned like a tranquilizer. I spat out saliva mixed with vomit. Alright. My lips are still trembling, but this should make it slightly easier to talk. I wiped the corners of my mouth and faced Gerbera. “I was just a little tired. It’s not a big deal.” “Indeed? Yet thy visage is white as a sheet.” “Not a problem, if I rest a bit, it’ll subside right away. You probably don’t know, but humans are delicate creatures.” Ah, s.h.i.+t. How unsightly. “...Sorry, but could you bring me the water bottle? The inside of my mouth feels disgusting.” My water bottle was lying on the ground at the place where I was resting at until a while ago. It was troublesome to walk even there in this condition. “Y-yes. Understood. Wait upon me.” Gerbera shot over like a bullet, rus.h.i.+ng to the water bottle. Even I myself, never thought that I was this abnormal. It seems that my distrust towards humans had taken root on a physiological level. Moreover, the fact that I’ve never noticed it until now is in itself a sign that the condition is severe. I recalled the term ‘PTSD’. ‘Paranoia’ came to mind as well, but I didn’t know much about it. Anyway, PTSD: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. -Blesser> PTSD is a type of mental disorder that occurs due to the emotional scars after experiencing tragic near-death experiences. Because the thing called the ‘human heart’ is a fragile thing, sometimes it can easily collapse before the greatest fear called ‘death’. Or alternatively, PTSD may also develop in a situation when a person’s dignity is lost. The person takes an ‘avoidance response’ towards the trauma-inducing incident, as well as circ.u.mstances that are related to that incident; it causes ‘flashbacks’ about that incident and they fall into a panic and get a ‘feeling of unwellness’. For my case, it’s rather easy to understand. It’s ‘my cla.s.smates' betrayal and attempted murder’. This time, I tasted the symptoms of my first panic attack… I see, it was the worst feeling. Because Gerbera, one of the Monsters in my Family was nearby, I was able to recover, but if she hadn’t been there, I might have ended up fainting instead. I became aware of my own mental issues, and at the same time, I had to admit one other fact. That is, ‘I can’t trust Kato-san from the bottom of my heart’. …Just hypothetically. Whether I can allow Kato-san to wield a weapon. Whether I can entrust my back to her. Whether there’s actually a need to do these things wasn’t the issue in this case. “Ah, Milord! I have brought water!” “...Thanks.” I gave my thanks and took the water bottle from Gerbera. I rinsed my mouth; after drinking some water, I calmed down a little. However, I did not have the strength to stand. I shakily walk away from the tree roots that had my vomit splattered over it and sit down heavily. While doing so, I remembered Kato-san’s ‘eyes’. The moment we met, and the occasional times when she showed that gaze. Now, from my eyes, I can see that as something else. Those something that were intently watching me as a human... They were simply pupils and that was all they were doing. When I try to open the lid, there’s nothing complicated about it at all. Her intentions were clear. In this alternate world, there’s no one else Kato-san can rely on other than me. It’s natural for someone in her position to decide to rely on me. Even if it was partly calculative, she had gone through a painful experience, and if I tried putting myself in her shoes, especially on an emotional level, I’m sure that I would’ve done the same. It was such a simple thing, but my past self could not understand her feelings. Because I couldn’t understand her, I had thought that it was something ominous… No, I arbitrarily decided so. I had thought that ‘she must be scheming something’. As a result, I could not reciprocate the only feeling she had directed towards me. Also, I’ll be unable to reciprocate it even in the future. Despite knowing all of this, my body and heart still rejects her, a ‘human’. This body of mine was too cold-hearted towards her—even though she was the one who saved my life. Above all, the girl called Kato Mana is too pitiful. I can imagine her loneliness. I understand her feelings—as if I could take her feelings into my hands—because I was the same in the past. Even though I understand, I can do nothing about it. "Milord…?" Those were the words I told Gerbera, who was calling out to me worriedly, a few days ago. Surpa.s.sing time, those words pierced my heart directly in the present. What a farce this is. That line is something that I should never speak from my mouth. That's because, even though Kato-san had done her best for my sake, it’s not possible for her to obtain my trust. "Milord..." Gerbera has been fl.u.s.tered for a while now. It looks like she didn’t know what to do at a time such as this. It couldn’t be helped. Even I myself do not know what I should do. Eventually, she sat down lightly at my side. When she sat down beside me, the spider legs that she folded, naturally faced me. Just slightly attracted to the spider legs, I leaned against them. The white fur feels good. Even though what I'm touching is anthropoid of a bug, I didn’t feel disgusted at all. Rather, I felt relaxed by it. It was then that Gerbera spoke timidly. “Apologies, Milord.” "Hm?" “My thoughtless words hast caused this.” It seems that it was impossible to cover up my body's poor physical condition after all. Perhaps feeling guilty, Gerbera's tone of voice was dispirited. “I am unable to understand Milord’s feelings. I comprehend not the issues between Milord and Lady Kato either. Perhaps I have met Milord too late...” Gerbera does not share my detest towards humans. It was because she became a part of my Family after my heart had been healed to a certain extent. What I'm dealing with is a deep wound that has not yet finished healing. Gerbera can't do anything about it at all. She had inadvertently touched it with her bare hands. "...No." However, I shook my head. "I have to thank you." "Eh...?" "If Gerbera wasn't here, I would have remained oblivious to my mistake." If it had been Lily or Rose, this would probably not have happened. They understand the feelings I harbor towards humans, resulting in them being overly careful of my feelings. However, this is a worthy failure. "Sorry, could you let me stay like this for a while longer?" When I asked her, she nodded moment by moment, although she made an indiscreet face. "Thanks." I closed my eyes. I pondered while remaining in that position. I had misjudged Kato-san. Because of that, I had made her feel lonely. Despite that, she had even bet her life and fought for my sake. If that’s the case, then I must answer her. Can I actually overcome these wounds of mine and also repay Kato-san for what she has done for me? It'll probably take time. It could be impossible. Even so, in order to do this, I must make an effort to do so. Because this is the duty I must fulfil as someone who has become indebted to her. About now, I wonder what Kato—who must be lonely—is doing? When I think about it, I don’t feel that much pain in my heart. The continuance of Gerbera's turn. ...Or so you thought, but it's Kato-san's. It's a little heavy. It's also the story about the protagonist’s condition. It'll be good if I’ve depicted it nicely... but it's difficult to do so.
Even in the situation where Lily isn’t able to move, I’m able to continue the search.
“T-thee speakest of me?”
“Even if I’m told that…”
“Hmm. Even if you say that...”
“Take Lily for example: honestly, I don’t really want to place a burden on her.”
I want to let her focus on recuperating. It seems that she’ll have soon recovered enough to move around without any issues, but nevertheless, I don’t really want to trouble her with our problems.
Having conversed with Gerbera for the past few days now, I don’t think she’s worse than the other Monsters of the Family at using her head. She is simply young at heart and awkward; moreover, it’s just that our initial meeting went sour—by no means does it mean that she is a stupid person.
It’s also strange that Gerbera—who is overwhelmingly strong even amongst my travelling companions—is afraid of Kato-san, who is the weakest in strength. That just goes to show the extent to which Kato-san had dominated the argument that night.
That’s why… once again… it might be okay to try and trust her—only her.
They were words I used to gloss over the facts, but the latter half of it was too true to be funny.
Gazing blankly at her back, I peeked into the deep pit in my heart and was shocked.
That’s basically what it means to trust another person; as it didn’t seem like I could do either of them, that was a big problem.
As if filled with obsession of which the bottom cannot be seen... No. That’s also, ‘different’. It’s different.
“...What ‘If you’re going to think that you want someone to believe in you, then you have to pile stuff on top just that much’? Hah.”
Of course, Gerbera had made me depressed, but by no means was it intentional. She would have seen it as a failure.
