The experience being deflowered is different for most people.
I heard that it feels like one is being absolutely ripped apart.
And that there is lots of blood.
But there are some people that feel good from the start.
I wonder what root of the big difference is.
I am not sure about this type of knowledge. I have never been told of it directly, and I am hesitant to ask someone directly. In the first place, I don’t have any friends. Well, Prince Stefan is excluded in this case.
Such juicy things are not written in books. (Zuben: Maybe not the ones you read)
For Volker to be troubled, I guess it must be a very painful and tearful experience.
…I’m not disgruntled…well, not so much.
I don’t want to think about it, but I wonder if Volker’s reaction was from a past bitter failure. He was defensive because he didn’t want to repeat it.
Maybe that was why he wanted to confirm whether I was with Eugene the same way. Would it have been better to have been? Is it better for Volker? But I’m glad I didn’t even kiss Eugene! That is my honest thought.
Despite the shameful thought that I would like to have Volker for my first time, it do think it is embarra.s.sing to sit on his thighs, and the kissing and how he rubs my b.r.e.a.s.t.s painfully.
Is this the deep river between a man and a woman?
No no no no, I should get a hold of myself. How hilarious for me to be burning with jealousy about women in Volker’s past. I’m sure Volker is genuinely worried about me.
During the conversation with General Bresslin, Volker was more concerned about me than himself.
That is right. Volker always thinks of me.
I want to respond to that feeling.
I mean…I like him!
I just want to do it because I like him, I do!
Better than hugs, I would like to experience a way to be connected to Volker more deeply with Volker. More than a kiss! How did it feel to have his strong broad chest against my bare skin? What would happen if he touches my body all over with his big hands? (Zuben: Hohoho!)
My thoughts are making me blush, is it unpleasant? (Zuben: Nah, you’re normal.)
It doesn’t matter, I- I want to feel Volker with my whole body!
I thump the table with my fist, and heard a voice saying ‘Wow!’
‘Oh pardon me.’ I apologised to Prince Stefan.
Yes, I was taking tea with Prince Stefan. (Zuben: and thinking about feeling Volker with your whole body. Mult.i.tasking) After leaving General Bresslin, I rushed to the appointed terrace in a hurry. I had kept the Prince waiting and I got scolded.
His belly was already bloated with bitter tea when my sweets arrived.
I-I’m sorry I offended Crown Prince. That being said, although he seems to be a cold person at first sight, I’ve come to realise he was very tolerant once he has you in his pocket.
I’m sorry, your Highness, I’m kinda useless. Is this a kind of grace?
‘What were you thinking; you had a pretty difficult expression?’ he asked. Stefan casually shooed away his escort knights, thinking it would be a complicated tale. He took a graceful bite of the apple pie I had brought, and there was a little frown between his eyebrows, but he made a sound of appreciation.
It looked like a common apple pie.
‘It is hard to speak of it frankly,’ I reply. I also took a bite of the apple pie.
Wow, delicious! It was a nice balance of sour and sweet with an aroma of cinnamon.
‘What the h.e.l.l is that?’ Stefan replied as he finished his portion of apple pie and reached for the cupcakes. Though, the little cupcakes seemed unsuitable for the dignified Crown Prince, it was also very wonderful.
‘I was thinking of Volker.’ I said. It wasn’t a lie, I was thinking about Volker, but the content could be omitted. Stefan raised an eyebrow.
‘I understand that it is about Brennan, but what is with the difficult expression?’
My smile wobbled.
I’m dying here…
How should I say this?
‘I was wondering if Volker is really thinking of me.’
Well, that is the sanitised version anyway. I can’t really tell him that I was in anguish about doing it with Volker.
‘You idiot. You don’t know how important you are to Brennan?’
Stefan reached for another cupcake, different flavour this time. Ahh, Your Highness, if you eat too much you won’t be able to have dinner. That being said, it would be alright if he was going to exercise after.
‘Brennan allowed me to have tea with you under conditions: Do not look at you directly for over three seconds. Do not touch your hands. Do not touch you. Do not eat your homemade sweets because they are his, and don’t fall in love with you. I wonder why.’ (Zuben: If this was a melo, it would have been a foregone conclusion)
Huh, what is that?
‘It seems that he doesn’t want you to meet other men. Brennan is very concerned about the difference in your age. He is particularly anxious when you meet a man close in age to you. He wonders if that person is more suited to you than he. But then he also considers them to be maggots not worthy of you.’
I shuffled closer to him.
‘I am also anxious that there is a nice woman that suits him more, because I am too childish and our status isn’t balanced. I haven’t had any physical relationships and I don’t know how to be in love.’ (Zuben: you’ve said it all out now)
The Prince moved the same distance away from me.
‘Brennan said not to sit too close.’ He said, ‘Anyway, you guys have similar feelings, if you could tell each other without using me as your go between, it would be fine.’
In short, do not bother me with your complications.
He flattened another cupcake.
Indeed, I am troubling Crown Prince Stefan. Pardon me!
‘That being said, Brennan is serious about you.’ He said with a little curl of his lip.
He was? I tilted me head to one side.
Wasn’t Volker always serious?
‘He makes you sit on his lap like that in public, even though you’ve not touched the floor yet. Well, do you best.’ (Zuben: I wasn’t sure how to edit this line: 「あんなに人前で膝に乗せたりするのに、まだ床を共にしていないとはな。まあ、頑張れ」)
Ehhh!! Did I possibly say out extra things?! (Zuben: Well…)
My face heated as I blushed.
Oh forget it, forget it.
Prince Stefan gave a self satisfied laugh as he leaned back in his chair arm crossed. He seemed pleased with his own advice. He wasn’t bossy, he’s great.
‘A man would be happy to be seduced by the woman he loves.’
An invite from me?!
But how? How do I say that? In what situation?
‘That…isn’t that if I can burn away the feeling of embarra.s.sment?’
‘Isn’t just right that the cat is burnt off?’ he replied with a wicked grin. This person looked very bad but why did he also look reliable at the same time?
I am the cat. (Zuben: This cat that doesn’t actually mean a cat – stop haunting me!)
But, that’s right.
There is no need to wait for the man to ask, if you both like each other. Even the man would be nervous and worried.
Alright, let’s do it. (Zuben: Fist pump)
I will invite him – I will hold out my hand.
Let’s have that feeling with Volker.
Zuben: This chapter was rather difficult, hope it makes sense to everyone.
35 But before that…
Although I had resolved my determination, I thought that it would be useless if I had no idea. (Zuben: Not really)
Since I was shy, I decided to ask the teacher least p.r.o.ne to embarra.s.sment.
I found Mother writing a letter, she held her pen to her lips thinking. I waited patiently till she was finished and we are by ourselves and asked her. She replied,
‘Well…it hurts. Have you not done it yet?’
As expected, Mother was a straight-forward person. It was a good idea to ask her.
‘Well, I’m not married yet, is it alright to do it before I get married?!’ (Zuben: Your mother is a weirdo, Freddie)
What about a maiden’s modesty, society’s censure and such like?!
But Mother just wriggled her eyebrows and gave me a look as if she was wondering why I had said that. (Zuben: You got an innocent child)
Even if you thought “Okay, I’ll do it!”, can you do it? There are other things to consider like the circ.u.mstances of your partner and timing. I’m engaged to someone I like, so I’m not going to say no.’
s.e.x before marriage isn’t recommended, if I did it anyway, should I show it off or but on an air of innocence?
My face got hot.
Mother! What kind of things are you telling your daughter?!
Mother looked at me with narrowed eyes, but they still held a gentle expression. She suddenly barked out in laughter,
‘Haha!’
Mother beckoned me over to sit beside her; she caressed my hair as she said mirthfully, ‘I was only joking. You’re really going to be a bride soon, when I thought about it I was deeply impressed.’
It’s been a while since she has done this, so it made me a bit fl.u.s.tered. That being said, it was pleasant to have mother caress my hair, I closed my eyes and cuddled closer to her.
‘Because you grew up to be such a good girl by nature, I could relax. Thank you,’ Mother said.
‘Such is not so! It’s because I am Mother’s child…!’
Oh no! Now I feel like I am about to cry! But why does it suddenly feel like the morning of a parting? I have only come to ask for guidance about the first time and how to avoid pain.
We ended up facing each other solemnly after calming down with a cup of tea and a few biscuits.
Mother regained her composure and looked at me with a bright gaze,
‘So what would you like to ask?’ Mother asked. She was ready to listen to my questions.
I leaned forward and asked, ‘Is there a good way or excuse to invite a man to bed?’
‘It depends on timing and the partner. It is on occasion. Next question.’
‘How do I make a man more attracted to me?’
‘I don’t know because different people have different tastes. Next question.’
Hmm, did she really want to answer my questions?
‘Em, I heard that it hurts, but should I do to accept him?’
‘Well, trust General Brennan. Open your heart and your crotch. If your mind isn’t ready, your body won’t be ready. (Zuben: All is ready, she doesn’t know it yet) You will become wet when you are caressed, and he will use his fingers to loosen you up. It is not enough, he will use a balm. I have prepared the finest kind, I will give it to you later. There is also a coating ointment that is very effective as well. There is nothing special to say but do your best!’ Mother concluded a little too spiritedly as she clenched her fist up.
Huh…what is with the shout?!
Of course, I trust Volker, but I don’t know about opening my mind and crotch. How to do…what to do…other than securing perfumed oils for the time being!
Mother seemed to have exhausted herself in that burst of fighting spirit collapsed against the back rest of the settee, I leaned back beside her. I felt a bit breathless, I got tired in such a short time!
‘You are worried because he is physically different from you, but I am not worried. ‘
Nnn? I turned my head to Mother.
‘In the end you like him. Why get caught up in thinking it is impossible? You two will fit. And you are in good shape, so you’ll be alright.’
Mother’s words had no ground or support to back it, but it fell into my heart like a stone.
36 One Small Question
With a vague confidence in my chest, I returned to my room for the time being.
I wonder if it is okay. I think for a moment and opened my closet.
I pulled open my underwear drawer and pulled out its multicoloured contents.
The first thing I can imagine is wearing pure white underwear like a bride. But I’ve heard that men like women to be s.e.xy, would it be better to be bewitching in black? No, I don’t think it would suit me. A bride is dressed in white in the first place. Did it signify being dyed in a man’s colour? (Zuben: why do these j.a.panese women like this dyeing in people’s colour situation?)
Wow, would I be dyed in Volker’s colour?!
It is what I want. Will you dye me, Volker? Fu ~oaa~a~aa! Just think about it makes me what to faint. (Zuben: Enough of that carry on, Freddie)
But…
‘I should get something fresh…’ I said to myself, ‘I can’t deny there should be feeling of new beginnings.’
I’m sure everyone would take the bride’s underwear for granted because the bride is cure. But if I were to wear underwear especially for the wedding, I would wipe away my worries about whether or not Volker would like it.
Do I have to devise a plan to find his opinion? Would this involve going to the person or going to a fashionable lingerie shop for research?
I wriggled left to right as I groaned – ruminating.
‘Miss,’ I was called. I turned to find Oliver standing over me.
‘Oliver,’ I cried. I was surprised at my despondent tone of voice, but Oliver seemed to have sensed I was troubled so, with a rise of an eyebrow, he went to close my door.
‘Why have you been groaning, Miss?’ he asked as he came closer. He didn’t make a sound when he walked, he folded his legs and sat before me in front of the closet. He is one corner of the top three that could not show weakness. (Zuben: Don’t ask me what) But he is kind. The flaw in the jade was that he was too serious, could be vindictive but he was ultimately reliable.
I will rely on him for an answer,
‘Oliver, can I ask you a question?’
As a talented butler, he does look after me.
Alright, I will take the plunge. Let’s go!
‘What kind of underwear to men like?’
I saw something I had never seen before.
‘It is unsightly for the young Miss to ask a person of the opposite s.e.x this question.’ He replied.
I thought it would be best not to point out that Oliver’s cheeks were somewhat red.
‘It would be unseemly to ask other people but I think it is okay to ask Oliver.’ I replied. Because he was family. He had been with my family since before I was born. I think of him as my other father without permission.
I could ask Oliver things I couldn’t ask my father. So the weakness is tightly grasped. (Zuben: Whose? Yours or Oliver’s?)
‘Please consult Lady Pamela or Marie about such things,’ he replied as he rose. I caught the hem of his jacket.
‘Please Oliver, I want to know a man’s opinion.’
And I won’t accept a reply about “individual preferences” either.
‘I would like to know what your taste it.’
If it doesn’t work with Oliver…then I would have to rely on Prince Stefan. I lowered my eyes trying to look harmless and demure.
Sorry Oliver, please be honest with your opinion.
He cleared his throat and said very reluctantly, ‘In general, brides are seen to be pure and innocent in their white dresses. They are supposed to see the wedding ceremony as sacred, so following the same like of thought, the underwear chosen is usually white I think.’
Well, I know that part. That is general knowledge. I want more personal knowledge.
I make puppy eyes and urge him on, ‘So what kind do you like?’
‘Er…em…white…lace. It looks pure and beautiful on the skin.’
‘Lace…’
I see. I had been convinced only girls like lace. Oliver left my room, ‘I shall take my leave now, apologies young Miss.’
I don’t want Oliver to be upset I put him on the spot, so I decided to apologise to him later. But for some reason, it became difficult for me to see Oliver in the mansion.
I wonder why?
Apologies for any typos...
♢ Chapters 37 to 39
